Preparing for the End

Oh, my. The last three days have been a whirlwind, a flood, an avalanche. We have had so little time without programming, that none of us, Hasmig, the kids or I, have had a second to write or to post. Tuesday it seemed like we were still early in the trip, still in the first half. Suddenly, jarringly, it is Friday and my anxiety is high about leaving for home, about ending this magnificent transformation. We leave for home tomorrow. Tomorrow. I'm not the only one. Everyone is tired. Many are talking about how hard it will be to return to school, to be around others. Hasmig understood what was happening, as usual, way ahead of me. Last night when our most recent mind-expanding, perception-altering guest from Breaking the Silence finished wringing us out at 10pm, she knew even though we had been up early and hiked 10 miles in the West Bank, that we needed time together, just us, to talk about re-entering our lives. At 10pm, with half the group barely able to keep their eyes open, the other half still riveted and trying to untie the knots in their stomachs from stories of what it is really like to be a soldier in combat in the West Bank, attempting to control 2.5 million people, Hasmig called a meeting in her room, not mandatory, she said, but feel free to change into pajamas and meet there in 20 minutes. Everyone was there in 15 minutes. Curled up together on sofas and beds and on the floor, we needed to be together. We talked a little about our memorial on the beach in Tel Aviv for Kyle. How do we want to end the trip before we get back on the plane? Then we talked about what it will be like to re-enter Berkeley High. Some said they didn't know how they would be able to respond to friends asking, "How was is it?" "What did you do?" "What was it like?" No one will be able to understand, I don't know what I'll say or how to share these intense feelings. No one will be able to relate to us. I'm so afraid that I'll just say, "It was great, we did a bunch of stuff..." Someone suggested, when people ask you about it, tell them to read the blog. That was a relief to many, having something to point people to, some record of our emotional journey. Others said, I don't think I'll be able to talk about it at school, I'm going to have to rely on my mom and my boyfriend to process this. Others said they are concerned about our group of 13 becoming a clique at Berkeley High with inside jokes and shared experiences that no one else can possible relate to. Others are concerned about the upcoming CAS Senior Retreat in a week or two, another emotional roller coaster to navigate. Others said they really need to think about how to communicate with others, what messages and themes emerged from the trip that are important to share. Of all our time here, of all our life changing experiences, which stories will we choose to tell? What are the sound bites that will capture something important and meaningful to us and others? Someone said the Kyle Memorial in Tel Aviv will be really helpful in processing the trip, and will help us to reflect on why we came, and what we will bring home with us. Talking to each other about the meaning of the trip will help us to talk to others later.

Of course, we reached no answers, we only surfaced our anxieties and even a few fears. But it helped to surface them together, to talk openly about them and to move consciously and with intention into the next 36 hours as we draw to a close something so profound. We are all so lucky to have Hasmig in our lives to help us navigate these confusing moments.

From here I will try to get back into a quick cycle of posting as often as I can. I don't know if there will be internet at Kibbutz Einat, but if there is, I promise to use it! I'll make my way backwards through the last three days and do my best to capture some of the amazing stories we have lived. The kids are all eager to post, also. I suspect we'll all end up writing on the plane, and posting when we land.

Keep watching. It means so much to us to have you all following along, supporting us, preparing to help us with our re-entry. We still have so much to say.